I Don't Know Why

Some days I just feel like crying. Then there are some days that I just feel like laughing in order to forget the bad things. Some days I just want to hide from the world and it's angry and unmerciful face. Some days I just want to get out of bed and away from home for awhile. Other days I want to sleep away, or I wish that in waking up I had forgotten everything from the terrible day before. No longer do I have happy days, and anything that does make me smile is only a temporary high. Forgetting or not thinking about some things only lasts temporarily. Things that I need to get done are never done thoroughly, if at all. My grades are suffering. They say to go and do things, like school and work to get your mind off of your personal issues, but once I am there, I only long for the clock to tell me when I can finally go home. I don't have a happy place anymore. I don't have a quiet place anymore. No space for myself, and yet when I am alone, my mind doesn't leave me alone. Thoughts crowd in my mind and I cannot stand the noise and craziness that goes on in there. I love people. I hate people. I need people. I am too independent. Everything I do now contradicts my emotions, or maybe my emotions are contradicting my life and what I really should be doing. I don't know. I can't think clearly. I can't remember things anymore, due to the fact that I don't pay attention to things anymore. Nothing seems significant anymore. I live day to day, but yet I feel as though I have missed days in between. Nothing makes sense. I don't know what's wrong, but at the same time I do know. No one thinks there is anything wrong, because I put on my happy "mask" everyday, because no one sees anything but what's on the surface. I may look happy, but I can guarantee you that I am not. If I seem to be in a good mood, I probably am. But I can assure you that I won't be for long. I mean, sure, good things do happen to me everyday, but they seem to be harder to come by, or are just little things that I won't remember later. I don't know what to do. I don't know what needs to be done. All I know is that it will be 2 months tomorrow. I know the source of the problem, and I should consider counseling, or just talk to people who actually care. But some things I can't put into words. I mean it makes since in my head, but never out loud. I wish people could just get inside my head, and figure it out themselves, and maybe come up with a better conclusion than I can. In knowing the source of the problem, as I have said before, I wish I could just erase the memories, but at the same time I know that that's not what I want to do, because there were many happy ones. There were...I just want to be happy again, forget about the temporary highs. I want to always be happy. Or at least have the happy times out number the bad times, for once. I want to feel better, no longer wanting to hide from it all. I want to have a happy place again. I need this. I want to cry because I am happy, not because I am sad. I need to find someone to help me through this. Thinking I was over it...Ha! Who was I kidding? Obviously I am not, and I don't know why.